Reboot System...

First fail, erase and rewind, no reason to dwell over it and beat myself up about it. Just move on and try again.

So, here it goes:

Weight: 106,3 kg (234,35 lbs)

Measures:

*Chest: 119 cm (46,8 in)
*Waist: 99 cm (38,9 in)
*"Tummy": 116 cm (45,6 in)
*Butt: 124 cm (48,8 in) -- Bring it on Kardashian! =)
*Thighs: 77 cm (30,3 in)
*Calves: 44 cm (17,3 in)
*Overarms: 40 cm (15,7 in)
*Underarms: 31 cm (12,2 in)

There it is, no more, no less. It's a start and wise from experience, I'm not gonna give you my goals yet. I'll give the first week a silent start... I'll try to keep the carbs to a minimum, but I'll never ever be one of those girls who sacrifice everything for my weight, not even short-term. It's just not who I am and you're all free to think whatever you want about that, but keep it to yourselves. Before you comment, think carefully if I'll gain from it or not, I don't need any pressure just yet. I promise to holler from the rooftops when I do, ok? =)

Tonight we're going swimming with a wonderful colleague of mine, who's kind of in the same position as I am, but he is doing GREAT! I'm so impressed by him and mostly his self-control, I've got none of that! It'll be great fun but it's also my worst nightmare. Bikinis were never my thing.
Long story short: I was chubby as a kid and pretty badly bullied (more about that another time) and when I was 12 I started to feel really bad about myself. So, I detested going to the beach and such, basically I just didn't go. But then we were supposed to go swimming at school and to make matters even worse: we were going together with the other class... Since I really hated it I tried to worm my way out and I've always been taught to trust in grown-ups, so I tried to tell my teacher in a really low voice how I felt about it. Maybe he didn't hear me that well, but his reaction was this: he laughed out loud and said (loud and clear to all the kids): "What's the matter, can't you swim?!?" After that, I didn't go to the beach or bath in public for about 15 years. I'm not kidding. 15 years. It has also made me hate summers, and this even though I was not even overweight until I was 26. But that incident all those years ago has stuck with me and it's still as clear as ever.

So, I hate it, I don't really want anyone to see me in a bikini or swim-suit, not even Anders. But, all means to and end, right? Maybe I'll get my revenge next summer, strutting my stuff on a beach somewhere? I'd really, really like that... If not for myself, then for that poor little scared 12 year old that was laughed at by teachers and classmates. I owe her a lot. She got me here, and as badly as I feel about my weight, I'm glad she didn't give up and end it all. She just as well could have.
So, I'm doing this for her, and all other girls out there who suffer people's idiocy every day.

If you only think about one important thing today, please make it this: words hurt. Deeper than you ever could guess.

Finishing off in a happier mode: I've worked all week-end and "my" guards did a great job! They were fantastic and that makes my job a lot easier. So, yesterday I brought them cookies and cup-cakes to show my appreciation, nothing fancy, just cookies. I gave them to their boss and asked him to tell them how great I thought they'd done.
In the afternoon one of the guards asked me to come to where we hand out the keys and when I looked in to the cabinet, I saw the most beautiful bouquet of flowers! He pointed at me and smiled and left... I got flowers for doing a good job, when all I really wanted was to let them know how great THEY were. My eyes watered up in an instant and I was really sentimental and wicked proud for the rest of the day!

So beautiful!

First Weigh-In!

I've been soooo nervous for today, first weigh-in and on a not so good week for me. I work as a telephone-operator at an alarm-central, which means that I pretty much sit or stand in the same spot for 12 hours/day. We have a good week and a less good week... The good week we work Wednesday and Thursday and the less good week we work the other five days and this has been such a week, except that I was sick last Monday.
But I've done 36 hours now since Friday morning and it isn't easy being good when it comes to eating, usually this is where I just throw down whatever sweet I can find when I go shopping. I usually eat fast-food for lunch and lots and lots of chocolate to keep the sugar-levels up all day, since we don't get a break during the week-end shifts. But I've been SO good this time!!! I'm so stupidly proud over myself! I've made food at home and brought with me, no carbs, and instead of all the candy I've brought carrots and oranges and also I've had lots of tea. Good work me!
But still, it's been a week of NO exercise whatsoever and long days doing nothing but answering the phone, not great in a weight-loosing perspective...

So, this morning, the scale and me. An awkward silence and some sort of staring competition... Then I just got on it and it really felt like I had gained a lot and also it's that time of the month, so I was sure of I'd get a bad result. Looked down:

Weight: 102,7 kilos (226,41 lbs)
Result week 1: -0,3 kilos (0,66 lbs)

Not great, but considering the week I've had, I'm gonna be pleased with that and hopefully it gives me motivation to speed things up in the week ahead of me. More walking is a must!!!
Have to get back to my tea now and then go to work for a few hours extra...