Plans Are A-Changing...

Dad is ill, perhaps worse than we had imagined. The doctors talk about lymphoma, a sort of blood-cancer... He had cancer two years ago, in his colon. They removed parts of it and gave him cytotoxin, which may be what has caused this type of cancer that they suspect now.
It's all too raw and horrible to talk about right now, but one thing's for sure: I'll be by his side through it all. And the plans we've made may have to change.

So maybe the spring-wedding will be an autumn-wedding instead and maybe some things will happen sooner than expected. The only thing that matters is Dad and keeping him alive and well, no matter what the cost. And I think he needs good things to look forward to and something to keep him focused on fighting this horrible disease with everything that he's got and we'll stand fighting by his side. We're a family now and with our love and the power of faith between us all -- how can we not be victorious?...

Not so bad, huh?...

I'm more of an autumn-person anyways! =) 

Picture from the site Smaskiga Bakverk, just click it to go there!

A Lovely Month..

Yesterday it was one month since we got engaged! London seems soooo far away though, I can't really believe it's only a month! This feels so right, so good and so like we've known each other since always. Like I've said before, I know some people think we're moving fast, but this is it. I've searched for Anders for 29 years and now that I've found him--there's no time to loose! I want to enjoy every single day we get together and even though I had slept too little and worked 12 hours yesterday, we still met up for dinner after work. We went to Texas Longhorn on Fleminggatan, a rather small, but very nice place. I was starving since I had adjusted lunch to be able to enjoy the dinner instead, but Anders had insisted that he wanted 5 potatoes with his meatballs, so he wasn't really starving... =) We ordered nachos with guacamole and melted cheddar for starters and then we both ordered rib-eye steak with fries for main course, I got the 200 grams, which was named "Ladies" in the menu and Anders therefor insisted that he HAD to order the 300 grams called "Beltbuster" instead... =) It was also served with a green salad with an amazing dressing and half a corncob, I couldn't get mine down though. The food was great and such a lovely atmosphere!
Then we walked to the subway and we started talking about where to live. I mean, I was brought up out in the countryside on a big yard with lots of horses, running barefoot in the grass and having the forest right outside my window and THAT is an amazing childhood! I always thought so and still do. But, I LOVE Stockholm! I moved in to the city when I was 17 years old, when we moved to Borås. I thought I'd never be able to sleep again because of all the noise! Now I almost crave the humming sound of a distant free-way to be able to sleep at all... I love the lights at night, the old buildings, the small inner-yards you can see when you walk through some areas, in Stockholm I'm infatuated with Old Town--it's absolutely wonderful! And the water... Always present in Stockholm, and one of many things that make it, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful cities in the world.
So, I'm torn. I was so sure that I wanted to live out in the countryside and that if I ever had kids, they would have the same privileged childhood I had. But you can't re-create a life, it won't ever be the same. And one thing I do know: if I can't give them the same perfect childhood I had, with the yard and the animals--then I don't wanna live in the countryside at all.

I guess you could say I want it all and right now I more than a little torn in the matter... But it sounds so sweet when Tim sings about it...

Enter Sandman...

The nightmares seem to be making an unwanted comeback... Had them two nights in a row now, no fun at all...
They all seem to be about me feeling like I'm not in control and dealing with some of my real fears. The night before last, I dreamt I was out in a cabin in the deepest forest and it was winter, the snow was thick and difficult to walk in. I was there with a colleague of mine, when all of a sudden a see a furious bear head towards us through the snow and I knew we had to get inside and shut doors and windows. My colleague comes riding on a horse, but it slips on the muddy road and goes down, leaving my colleague on her knees crying. I get over to them and drag them both inside, the bear closing in on us with every second. I slam the front door in the last second and start to run around to close up everything else... Always one more window or door left to close and I start to panic. I've had this dream before in other scenarios, but always needing to shut one more door or window to be safe...

Last night I had two nightmares and in the end I just gave up and got up instead.
First I dreamt that I was out walking with a horse that I had, when all of a sudden a raging pitbull comes charging out of the forest and attacks us! It sinks its teeth into the horse's flesh and draws up deep wounds and then disappears. I'm left with the injured and bleeding horse and no means to tend to its wounds but trying to cover them with my hands to stop the bleeding. A horrible feeling that I think originates in my real worries when I'm out waking the dogs, there are so many people unleashing dogs that they can't really control and it makes me very nervous when I meet them. Or just stupid people who let their dogs walk up to mine in a leash, making me jump out of the way to avoid contact. Yoggi doesn't like other dogs very much since he was attacked as a puppy and I respect that. I don't like strangers up in my face either! But some people don't understand how dogs work and that creates a lot of problems.

The other dream was also one I've had before, where I get a child and don't connect to it at all, rather detesting it and forgetting it everywhere. Once I dreamt I forgot it under a jacket in the back-seat of the car and last night on a trailer. When I finally found her and picked her up, she was replaced by a doll! I totally panicked and woke startled.
Dreaming about having kids and not loving them is a reoccurring dream of mine, maybe it just means that I'm not ready to have kids, maybe I'll never be. I'm not very found of them, except my friends' kids, and I can't stand the crying, whining and screaming they seem to do constantly. So maybe I'll never have kids and maybe that's what my dreams are trying to tell me is the right decision?...

We're All Amazing!

As I told you, the movie The Help made a HUGE impression on me and it has stayed with me since then and as I sit here watching Glee The Concert Movie, there's so much I want to say!

One of the things that affected me the most in The Help, was the way the women treated their children, especially Elizabeth Leefolt's relationship with her daughter Mae Mobley--or rather the relationship she DOESN'T have... It was so sad and heartbreaking to see and what's worse: probably very close to the truth for many, many children in this world. Mae is still lucky since she has Aibileen, who tells her these important words every day: "You is smart. You is kind. You is important." My wish is that every child got to hear it everyday of their life. Because it's true. They are all miracles. WE are all miracles, we are all amazing. Few things make me angrier then when kids are treated badly! I read last week about a "mother" who had forced her 3 year old son to drink beer and smoke!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?! It's waaaay to easy to have kids and way to hard for the authorities to take them away from unfit parents.
Children have no limits and they should be told how amazing they are every day, I hope I'll remember that the day I have kids...
If you haven't seen The Help or read the book -- do it now!!!

And Glee... A tribute to all of us who never fitted in at school. How I wish there had been such a show when I went to school! I love all of it and as I've said before, the cast is amazing: from Lauren Zizes to Quinn Fabray, from Finn Hudson to Artie Abrams. Everyone is accepted and included, I wish that was what school was like for kids. It's not, it's really cruel. I'll show my kids Glee and hope that they fall as much in love with it as I've done, maybe we can share it?

So, teach your kids compassion and understanding, make them strong and confident and let them know that they are important--every day. We will all gain from that, it will help build a better world for our future generations. God knows they'll need all the help they can get and we owe it to them.
"Be the change you want to see in the world" - M. Gandhi

Disappointed!

When I finally got the stupid scales to work, they showed the same weight as last week!!! How is it possible??? I've exercised a lot and been really good with the food... I feel really down right now and it feels pointless to try so hard when there are no results. Talked to my wonderful colleague P-Å today, he's a certified PT and he told me to be patient, see all these 4 weeks through before I start to despair. It might take my body a little while to adjust and until then I won't see anything on the scales. I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't work! =(

Despite the blue mood today I went out on my usual 6,2 K PW with the dogs today, need to try as hard as I can this week. I worked 5 hours extra today, bringing this week's total to 65 hours... =/ It's really hard to find the energy to work-out these weeks, no matter what you guys might think. I'd love to have a normal job, working 8-17 Monday-Friday. Or a more physical job, where I'd get my training at work! Like when I worked with horses--I didn't need a gym or long stupid PWs, I was totally fit anyways!

Well, I'll have to try to keep myself going at least and give it these 4 weeks. If I haven't lost any weight then--maybe I'd better go see the doctor...

The Doctor Says...

...that hopefully it's just a really, really severe case of pneumonia. We went and dad almost killed himself just getting there, so when they heard his heavy, exhausted breath they rushed him into a room and gave him some kind of inhalator to help ease his breathing. Then they examined him and established that his lungs were really badly affected and that the inhalator didn't help at all as much as they had hoped. But since dad is soooo stubborn, we had to let him home with medicines until tomorrow and the doctor made him swear to let me take him to the hospital if things got worse or not even a little better during the night... Stubborn old man!!!
The nurse asked about his health status, he replied: "I've never even been sick!" "Hrm, dad... 2010?" I asked. "Well, that, that was just cancer..." he replied with a smile. You've just gotta love that man, as stubborn as he is!
My dad--one of a kind!

Hold your thumbs until tomorrow and hope he gets better, otherwise it's Södersjukhuset next and x-rays of his lungs...

Daddy Dearest...

My dad is ill... I know it's probably nothing, just a bad cold, but still... My mind is back in 2010 when everything fell apart. We're going to the doctors today and all I can think about is cancer. X.rays. Surgery. Chemo. Medicine. Just like in 2010. The same hell all over again. Silly me, I know, but still.

I've always been daddy's girl. He had 4 sons before me and I think he has sometimes wished that I would have been a boy as well. I've been as close to a boy as a girl can be, following him around like a faithful puppy: building things, fixing cars and tractors, getting my hands dirty in whatever he was doing.
He has always been my big idol, I've closed my eyes to all his faults my entire life and I love him beyond comparison. He's difficult to love, at least to tell him that you love him seems impossible!

In late 2009 he started loosing weight and had trouble eating due to abdominal pain. But my father is Rambo himself and never complains, never goes to the doctor, never stops working. It all culminated during the Christmas holidays that year and the day before New Years Eve I forced him to the hospital. The doctor didn't give us any straight answers, but dad was admitted and had to have x-rays done the next day. He had to stay the night and the day after he called us to come pick him up. I heard over the phone that something was wrong, very wrong. I asked him and he said the doctor had talked about "changes in his colon" and we hung up. I looked at mum and asked: "Changes? That's cancer, right?" She just nodded and my world fell apart.
Dad came home with us and had surgery a few weeks later and after that a long and difficult chemotherapy. It was so hard, seeing him weak and ill, poor dad.

So, this cold, his heavy breathing and general weakness--it brings me right back to those days. But I hope that we get away with a bad cold this time... Keep us in your thoughts until I get back...

Swim My Troubles Away...

So, yesterday we got unto our first real fight and I'll be the first to admit--it was all my fault! I'm VERY headstrong and a wee bit focused on my own wants and needs sometimes and I'm fully aware that this makes me extremely difficult to live with, but I'm working on it. Until I get it right, I can only hope that Anders finds me worth all the trouble...
We turned it around before we went to bed and that's good, I think it's very risky to fall asleep or part on bad terms with one another!

This morning I went up with Anders, since I had an interview at 9:00, same company--different position...
I stopped by one of our favourite stores on my way to the swimming centre and got him a present I think and hope he'll like very much, a way of saying "sorry"...
Swam 1 kilometer in about 35 mins, felt sooo good! My feet were very sore after some running around in high heels and my body was tense after last nights emotional breakdown.

Now I'm heading home for an hours walk in the sun with two very happy, very wonderful dogs!!!

Crash and Burn...

That a wonderful day like today should end in tears--I never would have guessed. But since I've cried more or less since 2010, maybe I should have understood?
I tend to break everything beautiful around me, without really knowing why. It drains all strength out of me and leaves me so tired and weary. It's like I don't want to rely on happiness when it comes along, so I have to chase it away and make sure that all My protective walls are up. It's sick, but it's like I can't help myself!

So, to all my near & dear ones: I'm so sorry for this, I'll try to mend it somehow...

A Good Start!

Today is the first day of my 4 week long challenge! I've been very nervous and a little anxious to get started and so afraid I'll let myself down again... But today the feeling is really good, both in mind and body and that helps a great deal!
I was really tired when the alarm went off this morning and I really just wanted to sleep, after working 36 hours this week-end. Anders thought I should, but I was stubborn enough to follow through on my plan: to get up with him, have my morning cup of tea and then an hours walk before breakfast. Said and done and I completed the walk with a good spring in my step, even though my left calf cramped last night and still strains pretty good. Wonderful weather, spring is really coming to town and the dogs were happy and pushing my to go faster... =)

So here I sit, just out of a refreshing shower, preparing a yummy breakfast: 2 boiled eggs, 1 red grapefruit and another cup of white pomegranate tea! Works on my days off, won't work on workdays... Have to figure something out there...

Weighed myself this morning, lost half a kilo in the last week and though it's not much--it's still something and I haven't even tried that very hard! Last night we ate tacos and I LOVE tacos so I had three and then we had some goodbye-see-ya-in-four-weeks ice-cream, that my wonderful man had bought thinking it might not be okay in the coming weeks... <3

So here we go: 4 weeks and I will do this as very good as I can and I do hope for good support along the way! Tonight we're going swimming for the first time in 1,5 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it!

My new goal for this challenge is a two digit weight... Cheer me on, won't ya? =)

Three Wonderful Days!

I've forgotten to tell you about our wonderful week-end down south! And since I'm in some sort of house-arrest, I might as well get it down now.

Friday: we went down rather late, there were lots of things we needed to buy and stuff to sort out before driving south. We went to my beloved friends and the best kids in the whole world, I was so nervous since it was the first time they'd get to meet each other. But all went very well and as usual I feel grateful and strong whenever I've been there, it's easy to believe in love and a good life after a visit to them.
Late Friday night we drove up to Anders' parents house in the country-side and fell asleep after a long and good day.

Saturday: woke up to a wonderful breakfast and gulps of the fresh, amazing air that you only find in the country. The dogs love it there, partly because Anders' mother loves dogs and gives them a whole lot of TLC and partly because there's space to run around in.
After breakfast we packed for a day out in the woods on Sörmlandsleden and drove off in the pale, promising sunlight. Once there, it took about ten minutes before Harry was missing! So typical! We called for him and whistled, but not even a sound to tell us where he might be. He has done this before, but it's just as tough every time as the hours go by.
Long story short: after 3 hours I made Yoggi bark three times and when Harry didn't show up after that, I told Anders we'd take the car and come back later. Just then Anders called: Look, there he is! And there he was! Standing underneath a pine-tree looking very remorseful and tired. A wonderful feeling! Beloved little menace of a dog!
In the evening we went Texas Longhorn for a good bite with Anders' parents, one of his two sisters, her husband and their cute little baby-son. After that we went to the movies and watched "War Horse". I really liked it, but whoever made it doesn't know all that much about horses... =) But I admit it, in the end I shed quite a few tears, as did Anders! <3

Sunday: woke up before every one else, feeling well rested and took the dogs out for a good long walk. The air was crisp and a pale sun greeted us as we made our way through a frost-bitten forrest. It was absolutely beautiful! One of those days when I really feel so lucky to be alive and to just be, no need for anything material at all. The dogs very enjoying themselves immensely, just running straight on, taking a short detour off the track and into the woods here and there. Harry stayed relatively close and we didn't loose him even once! =) 

We went down to Norrköping to meet Malin and Nicklas and baby Fabian--for the first time!!! So small, I can't understand that he'll be a "real person" one of these days, really tiny! So happy for them and it was great to see them again! I'm used to seeing them almost every day and now it's been months... 

After that Anders went with his parents and I went to see my family, well Fredrik's really, but after five years it feels like mine as well. The dogs LOVE them! Above and beyond everything! Since they haven't seen each other for months, the greeting-ceremony took quite some time... =) It was wonderful to see them again, but it breaks my heart that I can't see them everyday anymore! 

We drove back up to Anders' parents and waiting for supper, we played a game called Kunskapsjakten, sort of like Trivial Pursuit. Lots of fun! 

We ate and had tea and I felt myself delaying the journey home for as long as I possibly could, I really wanted to stay longer. I love it there. 

So I think that's the remaining feeling from this week-end: I miss home. And home isn't here. Don't really know what to do about that... 

Splash!

It's done! First public bath yesterday and I really liked it! Not the exposing part, but first the sitting and talking in the jacuzzi and then the swimming. Now I know I can do it and start planning for it, so we decided that our goal should be 1 kilometer each time. The boys took a sauna afterwards, but since I'm no big fan of extreme heat, I just went and got ready instead.
We were in Mexico last winter and the pool at the hotel was icy cold, it was awful! No matter how long one stayed in, it was still freezing! So we preferred the ocean, much warmer, and very salty! =) I dreaded the walks to the water there as well, but somehow it's not as bad when I'm abroad... Very strange...

These wonderful creatures also made it easier to get in the water! 

Reboot System...

First fail, erase and rewind, no reason to dwell over it and beat myself up about it. Just move on and try again.

So, here it goes:

Weight: 106,3 kg (234,35 lbs)

Measures:

*Chest: 119 cm (46,8 in)
*Waist: 99 cm (38,9 in)
*"Tummy": 116 cm (45,6 in)
*Butt: 124 cm (48,8 in) -- Bring it on Kardashian! =)
*Thighs: 77 cm (30,3 in)
*Calves: 44 cm (17,3 in)
*Overarms: 40 cm (15,7 in)
*Underarms: 31 cm (12,2 in)

There it is, no more, no less. It's a start and wise from experience, I'm not gonna give you my goals yet. I'll give the first week a silent start... I'll try to keep the carbs to a minimum, but I'll never ever be one of those girls who sacrifice everything for my weight, not even short-term. It's just not who I am and you're all free to think whatever you want about that, but keep it to yourselves. Before you comment, think carefully if I'll gain from it or not, I don't need any pressure just yet. I promise to holler from the rooftops when I do, ok? =)

Tonight we're going swimming with a wonderful colleague of mine, who's kind of in the same position as I am, but he is doing GREAT! I'm so impressed by him and mostly his self-control, I've got none of that! It'll be great fun but it's also my worst nightmare. Bikinis were never my thing.
Long story short: I was chubby as a kid and pretty badly bullied (more about that another time) and when I was 12 I started to feel really bad about myself. So, I detested going to the beach and such, basically I just didn't go. But then we were supposed to go swimming at school and to make matters even worse: we were going together with the other class... Since I really hated it I tried to worm my way out and I've always been taught to trust in grown-ups, so I tried to tell my teacher in a really low voice how I felt about it. Maybe he didn't hear me that well, but his reaction was this: he laughed out loud and said (loud and clear to all the kids): "What's the matter, can't you swim?!?" After that, I didn't go to the beach or bath in public for about 15 years. I'm not kidding. 15 years. It has also made me hate summers, and this even though I was not even overweight until I was 26. But that incident all those years ago has stuck with me and it's still as clear as ever.

So, I hate it, I don't really want anyone to see me in a bikini or swim-suit, not even Anders. But, all means to and end, right? Maybe I'll get my revenge next summer, strutting my stuff on a beach somewhere? I'd really, really like that... If not for myself, then for that poor little scared 12 year old that was laughed at by teachers and classmates. I owe her a lot. She got me here, and as badly as I feel about my weight, I'm glad she didn't give up and end it all. She just as well could have.
So, I'm doing this for her, and all other girls out there who suffer people's idiocy every day.

If you only think about one important thing today, please make it this: words hurt. Deeper than you ever could guess.

Finishing off in a happier mode: I've worked all week-end and "my" guards did a great job! They were fantastic and that makes my job a lot easier. So, yesterday I brought them cookies and cup-cakes to show my appreciation, nothing fancy, just cookies. I gave them to their boss and asked him to tell them how great I thought they'd done.
In the afternoon one of the guards asked me to come to where we hand out the keys and when I looked in to the cabinet, I saw the most beautiful bouquet of flowers! He pointed at me and smiled and left... I got flowers for doing a good job, when all I really wanted was to let them know how great THEY were. My eyes watered up in an instant and I was really sentimental and wicked proud for the rest of the day!

So beautiful!

Sad Thursday, But Gearing Up for Fantastic Week-End!

We lost! So sad, when Anders was there and everything. But Djurgården didn't play well at all and the score speaks for itself, 1-4 is NOT okay. They didn't even try and only the players can change the game.
And to think I got up at 4:40 this morning to get in earlier to work so I could leave in time to se the game... =(

Still love you guys!

But tomorrow I'll sleep until noon and do nothing all day! Until Anders quits work and we're going to the movies with dad, very nice! Saturday we've got no plans (lovely!) and on Sunday we're to leave the dogs at Hundens Hus for trimming and some quality time in Old Town, SF Bookshop and some cozy coffeehouse, just being together.

I'll write better tomorrow, too tired to even think right now...

Sweet Sunday Morning...

I can never seem to sleep late anymore! It bugs me, I used to love sleeping until noon on my days off, now I wake up as soon as the faintest daylight slips in behind the curtains!
Had a very good day at work yesterday, considering the long hours I'm lucky to have such amazing colleagues! They are hilarious and since there are only four of us during the week-ends, we get pretty tight. Anders came and met me at the end of the day and we rented a movie on the way home, made some pizza and ate in from of The Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I love that movie! I think it gives you (well, me at least) the same feeling as I Am Legend. Both of them really made me think about how we treat, or rather: mistreat, the world around us like there's no tomorrow. But then again, I am extremely sensitive and can cry to almost any movie, especially one with animals in it! =) I mean: don't even get me started on The Lion King or Bolt... =)

Now I'm up reading the newspaper, having what feels like my 200:th cup of tea this week and Anders is probably sound asleep, as are the dogs... Reading an article about Deep Springs College, some sort of elitist school in the desert between Nevada and California, evidently they have just accepted their first Swedish student...
Around noon we're heading down to Kalmar, to clear out Anders' apartment and bring all of his stuff here. So tomorrow it's for real: he's here for good. Amazing feeling!

Butterflies...

Wow... Suddenly I realize: this is the last night I get the bed all to myself! Because tomorrow he comes home. For good. I've waited for like what feels like forever, though we've only been together for four months, and soon he'll be here. I won't miss travelling back and forth, but it still feels a little weird. This has just come to feel like home to me and now things will change, there will be one more person around here. I can no longer do as I wish when I get home after 12 hours of work and don't wanna give a rat's tiny ass about anything. I'll have to socialize and adjust... Scary thought! But then, I am an only child and not used to consider such things. But it'll be fine, I really want him here, no doubt about that! I've missed him terribly much and to think we went two weeks without seeing each other in December is crazy. But still, there are butterflies. For I am not easy to live with, just ask anyone of the two brave men who have tried before... This time I'll go the extra mile, I'll make the effort and I will get it right.

Because he is IT.

Posture on Both the Inside and Outside...

After today's great result weight-wise, I had to run some errands and decided to slap on some make-up and wear high-heels just to keep the good feeling. I need that from time to time, at work I'm always au naturel and in my uniform and at home I mostly wear sweats, hard to feel even slightly cute either way... So, make-up on, high-heels check and with a straight back and a good swagger I hit the mall. Turned quite a few heads, which only made me feel even better. But it also got me thinking about how much we can control how other people see us. I mean, if I can turn heads, then anyone can!!! Though I am well aware that the feeling has to come from inside you, confidence that comes from within makes you shine on the outside as well. And then there's posture. Very important! A straight back and a head held high works wonders with anyone's looks.
I saw a girl at the mall who tried to make herself almost invisible and I get so sad when I see that. But I know where it comes from, I've been there. I'm still there a lot of the time, because my good feeling is so easily taken away by one single snide comment or a disapproving look. And the fall from that is so much worse than if I hadn't felt good about myself first. I don't know what gives people the right to judge others by appearance alone and I've been a victim of it all my life, since I was 6 years old. I do sincerely hope that it fills a purpose for the one saying or doing all those mean things, because the scars run so deep. They never heal, no matter how far you get from it or what you may achieve on your way--they still echo in the back of your mind from time to time. I guess my hope is that by being this open with my weight and looks and such, I can help but a little. It's all I ask... To create just a little awareness in the minds of my wonderful readers. I know some of you have kids, and really that's where we have to start with everything. To make them understand the importance of being nice to others, even though you might not like them or you think that they look awful. Words hurt, and unlike some other scars, they don't show but that doesn't make them any less painful. It's not that I don't believe in honesty, but somethings better remain unsaid than spoken out loud...
I feel I will soon have to tell you my entire story as it is, but not today, I don't have the time to be that emotional... =) So, I will instead give you the before and after shots from last weeks hockey-night:

Before...

After!

You Loose Some, You Win Some..

Hmm, that good start came to a screeching halt... This is what I do though, I've always quit as soon as things don't go my way instantly. But not this time, I'm just gonna shake it off and get going and back on that damned track again! If only I could kick myself in the behind...

But, here I am, reloading belief and confidence in myself seeing this through and there is only one way to do that: Glee-marathon!!! I absolutely LOVE Glee and have since the first episode, I love everything about it. The actors are so insanely talented and amazing! I always feel so much better under the influence of Lea Michele, Diana Argon, Cory Monteith, Mark Sailing and the others. The cast is truly amazing and all the characters are spectacular. I also love the fact that they remind me so much of high-school, of how disoriented one feels at 16, how out of tune with life around you: boys, clothes, make-up, the works. I love the episode where Kurt's father marries Finn's mother and if I ever get married: that's the kind of wedding I want! I'm both surprised and happy that they went all in on the relationship between Kurt and Blaine, wonderful! Never thought they'd get to air that in the States. Love that Merecedez and Lauren get to play such big parts even though they're far from skinny and perfect, hopefully it makes some girl's life a little easier. Because school was never much fun for girls like us, girls with a litte ( or a lot) of extra stuffing...
Long story short: I want to live IN Glee. But, no such luck...

This last week I have had a lot of time to think, mostly thoughts concerning the future. I'm pushing 30 and still don't know what I want in life. And I see all my friends get their lives together, start families, get the job they want, get good educations and stuff like that. I haven't done much since 2002 when I left England, which I still regret.
But the last week I've really given it a lot of thought and I think I've finally realized what I want to do. It's not a very realistic idea or dream, whatever you will call it, but here it is: my dream is to be a sports journalist. I've always loved writing and think myself fairly good at it... And I absolutely LOVE sports. Or rather athletes, though not in a "my, he's hot" kind of way. I love the passion in them, the knowledge and professionalism that only truly great sportsmen/women possess. The reason I've realized this is hours spent on front of the telly watching Sweden play handball in the European Masters, not very good, but still. There is this player, Kim Andersson, who is truly amazing! He's a great player technically, but also because he's got such passion for what he does! He gets really pissed when he misses a shot, or when the others make mistakes and he often ends up on the bench due to his temperament, but isn't that the greatest proof of real passion when it comes to sports? That nothing matters more than what you perform? That you're only as good as your last period, last game, last set, last race? I at least think that's what it's all about. The drive. The urge. The will. When you breathe the game, when it runs in your veins. When there isn't any way you could function without it. I love it and I think it should be celebrated. I think it's sad that most of what journalists (both on TV and in the papers) want to talk/write about is failure. The gory details. To punch in as many negative words about the results/games etc as possible. That they seem to love the sport, but not the people creating it. Everyone's a champion on the sideline, in the stands, behind the microphone, on the sports pages in the papers. Many of them haven't spent a day living that sport, but they still see it fit to throw accusations around.
I don't want to do that, I want to be the counter-weight to all that negativity and bring out the pride, the glory, the sweat and tears, hours of training, the passion and the fighting that makes these athletes who they are. And yes, Kim alone made me realize all this. My inspiration to find my dream. Wish I could thank him for it, because it feels really, really good. Even though I realize that I probably never will make it even half-way there...
But what are we without our dreams? Mere humans, perhaps content, but never more than that.

I want to be more. I need to believe that I can be more. I need my dream.

Upset!

What a stupid day! Was up waaaay too late last night (went to bed 4:30...) and got up around lunch-time.

I've had some problems with my bank since I moved to Stockholm and lately I've gotten really fed up with them and decided to switch to another bank, but there is a lot to go through before that and today I started looking at my car insurance, which is quite expensive. I pay somewhere around 11 000 SEK (£1032/$1645) per year for my insurance and I land at a monthly fee around 1200 SEK. Today I checked another insurance company, Volvia, since I have a Volvo... There I would pay 5 900:- SEK(£553/$882) per year instead!!! Some difference! Almost half the price! I thought that I must have gotten it wrong, so I called Volvia up and asked one of their salesmen and he had the cutest answer:
-Don't take this the wrong way: but you're not that young anymore! When it comes to insurances I mean, nothing else! If you had been 18 I would understand why they'd charge you that much, but not now...
So I called my bank/insurance company up and asked them why there was such a huge difference... They couldn't answer that they said... Good one! I got a little (...) angry and all of a sudden they would look into it ASAP... Someone would call me back with new numbers in 48 hours. I'm still mad as hell! And I don't like having to get angry to get right! It sucks!
The really stupid thing is that I don't get to switch until October anyways, because you can only change your insurance once a year and I signed mine last October...
I've been so angry, I've just gone around shaking all day! Not very nice a feeling, but it's all their fault. Hoping for some really good news tomorrow...

If I Ever Get the Chance Again...

There, now it's done. I've cancelled my physics-test at the Police Academy next week... It hurts and I feel so useless right now, but it's not right to even try when I know I won't be able to make great results. The competition is INSANE! Last year they had about 7000 applicants fighting over 200 positions at school. And most of them are seriously fit, like crazy fit! And I'm... Well, I'm not... The test isn't at all insane: 2 kilometers in 10:15 minutes, a Harre's test and dragging a dummy at 77 kilos for 16.4 yards. Not very tough at all, but I want to achieve a great result, not just get through it. Because if I'm to go to class with these people for two years, I want to be able to do it with my head held high.
I've applied at least once a year since 2004 and this is only the second time I've been called, so it's not easy to get there. But, it's my decision and I'm happy with it, no matter what others think. We'll see who's wrong or right. Hopefully I'll get called again, next application is in February. Or else I didn't want it badly enough and since so many others do, it not fair to keep one of them from trying.

But I still feel a little sad, I was so happy when they called and asked me to come to the try-outs. Well, I believe that a few episodes of Glee can cure that! =)