Hmm, that good start came to a screeching halt... This is what I do though, I've always quit as soon as things don't go my way instantly. But not this time, I'm just gonna shake it off and get going and back on that damned track again! If only I could kick myself in the behind...
But, here I am, reloading belief and confidence in myself seeing this through and there is only one way to do that: Glee-marathon!!! I absolutely LOVE Glee and have since the first episode, I love everything about it. The actors are so insanely talented and amazing! I always feel so much better under the influence of Lea Michele, Diana Argon, Cory Monteith, Mark Sailing and the others. The cast is truly amazing and all the characters are spectacular. I also love the fact that they remind me so much of high-school, of how disoriented one feels at 16, how out of tune with life around you: boys, clothes, make-up, the works. I love the episode where Kurt's father marries Finn's mother and if I ever get married: that's the kind of wedding I want! I'm both surprised and happy that they went all in on the relationship between Kurt and Blaine, wonderful! Never thought they'd get to air that in the States. Love that Merecedez and Lauren get to play such big parts even though they're far from skinny and perfect, hopefully it makes some girl's life a little easier. Because school was never much fun for girls like us, girls with a litte ( or a lot) of extra stuffing...
Long story short: I want to live IN Glee. But, no such luck...
This last week I have had a lot of time to think, mostly thoughts concerning the future. I'm pushing 30 and still don't know what I want in life. And I see all my friends get their lives together, start families, get the job they want, get good educations and stuff like that. I haven't done much since 2002 when I left England, which I still regret.
But the last week I've really given it a lot of thought and I think I've finally realized what I want to do. It's not a very realistic idea or dream, whatever you will call it, but here it is: my dream is to be a sports journalist. I've always loved writing and think myself fairly good at it... And I absolutely LOVE sports. Or rather athletes, though not in a "my, he's hot" kind of way. I love the passion in them, the knowledge and professionalism that only truly great sportsmen/women possess. The reason I've realized this is hours spent on front of the telly watching Sweden play handball in the European Masters, not very good, but still. There is this player, Kim Andersson, who is truly amazing! He's a great player technically, but also because he's got such passion for what he does! He gets really pissed when he misses a shot, or when the others make mistakes and he often ends up on the bench due to his temperament, but isn't that the greatest proof of real passion when it comes to sports? That nothing matters more than what you perform? That you're only as good as your last period, last game, last set, last race? I at least think that's what it's all about. The drive. The urge. The will. When you breathe the game, when it runs in your veins. When there isn't any way you could function without it. I love it and I think it should be celebrated. I think it's sad that most of what journalists (both on TV and in the papers) want to talk/write about is failure. The gory details. To punch in as many negative words about the results/games etc as possible. That they seem to love the sport, but not the people creating it. Everyone's a champion on the sideline, in the stands, behind the microphone, on the sports pages in the papers. Many of them haven't spent a day living that sport, but they still see it fit to throw accusations around.
I don't want to do that, I want to be the counter-weight to all that negativity and bring out the pride, the glory, the sweat and tears, hours of training, the passion and the fighting that makes these athletes who they are. And yes, Kim alone made me realize all this. My inspiration to find my dream. Wish I could thank him for it, because it feels really, really good. Even though I realize that I probably never will make it even half-way there...
But what are we without our dreams? Mere humans, perhaps content, but never more than that.
I want to be more. I need to believe that I can be more. I need my dream.
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