Enter Sandman...

The nightmares seem to be making an unwanted comeback... Had them two nights in a row now, no fun at all...
They all seem to be about me feeling like I'm not in control and dealing with some of my real fears. The night before last, I dreamt I was out in a cabin in the deepest forest and it was winter, the snow was thick and difficult to walk in. I was there with a colleague of mine, when all of a sudden a see a furious bear head towards us through the snow and I knew we had to get inside and shut doors and windows. My colleague comes riding on a horse, but it slips on the muddy road and goes down, leaving my colleague on her knees crying. I get over to them and drag them both inside, the bear closing in on us with every second. I slam the front door in the last second and start to run around to close up everything else... Always one more window or door left to close and I start to panic. I've had this dream before in other scenarios, but always needing to shut one more door or window to be safe...

Last night I had two nightmares and in the end I just gave up and got up instead.
First I dreamt that I was out walking with a horse that I had, when all of a sudden a raging pitbull comes charging out of the forest and attacks us! It sinks its teeth into the horse's flesh and draws up deep wounds and then disappears. I'm left with the injured and bleeding horse and no means to tend to its wounds but trying to cover them with my hands to stop the bleeding. A horrible feeling that I think originates in my real worries when I'm out waking the dogs, there are so many people unleashing dogs that they can't really control and it makes me very nervous when I meet them. Or just stupid people who let their dogs walk up to mine in a leash, making me jump out of the way to avoid contact. Yoggi doesn't like other dogs very much since he was attacked as a puppy and I respect that. I don't like strangers up in my face either! But some people don't understand how dogs work and that creates a lot of problems.

The other dream was also one I've had before, where I get a child and don't connect to it at all, rather detesting it and forgetting it everywhere. Once I dreamt I forgot it under a jacket in the back-seat of the car and last night on a trailer. When I finally found her and picked her up, she was replaced by a doll! I totally panicked and woke startled.
Dreaming about having kids and not loving them is a reoccurring dream of mine, maybe it just means that I'm not ready to have kids, maybe I'll never be. I'm not very found of them, except my friends' kids, and I can't stand the crying, whining and screaming they seem to do constantly. So maybe I'll never have kids and maybe that's what my dreams are trying to tell me is the right decision?...

Ghosts From the Past...

We all have a past, that is nothing but facts. Some are fortunate enough to walk through life with a clear slate, while most of us gather some companions along the way -- the ghosts of our past. I have my fair share of them, like a horde following me. Mostly they just tread silently behind me, but sometimes they come out roaring and need to be dealt with. This can be done in different ways, mostly I go for the easiest way: the truth. You can lie and try to keep that up for as long as it's necessary, but that is awfully tiresome and difficult and once you forget and slip -- you have one hell of a mess to clean up. You can close the door and do your best to forget, risking that it surfaces at the worst opportunity possible.

I closed a door once, and ran. I ran for my life and sometimes it feels like I'm still running. I did promise myself never to go back there, to that school, the memories. But I had to return sooner than I imagined and since then, that door just hasn't been properly closed.
We all have to make amends with our past sooner or later and I believe in truth. I'm not talking about silly things, like what you think of someone's hair, but important stuff. I expect the same from the people around me and no matter how much it might hurt, I still believe it's better than any of the alternatives.

I broke down Sunday evening, driving home from Anders' family. Lately I've suffered from quite severe anxiety-attacks, more often than in a long time. Endless tears, difficulty breathing, chest-pains and nausea. Not a pretty sight and so hard to stop once it gets going... Just my luck to get one during a nice walk with his parents and sister... Walked long ahead of them so they wouldn't suspect anything, it's not really the best way to make a good impression on your loved one's family... Threw up in the bushes and hurried home, only to collapse on the floor. Poor Anders.
I had these attacks frequently after Granny passed away and all that happened around that time, along with the horrible nightmares. Since I've met Anders, the nightmares have almost disappeared entirely and the attacks are rare. But since I really started planning a serious future for us, they've made an unwanted comeback. I don't know why -- I'm happier than ever! But the thought of building my own family and my own home, without the love and support that I see Anders gets from his family -- it's choking me. No Granny, no Mum, and what about Dad? He still hasn't recovered entirely from his pneumonia and refuses to see the doctor no matter how much I beg him to. It's what I've got, in terms of family. In terms of the people who are supposed to love me and stand behind me no matter what, I have Dad. And don't get me wrong -- I'm so grateful for him and I couldn't ask for a better Dad and I love him to pieces. But he's old and sick and I don't wanna burden him with anything.
So, here I stand, facing all of this and all these questions on my own. I do have my own kind of family, the kind you get to choose yourself: my friends. I love them above and beyond, but they have their own lives and their own problems to think about and I don't really want to bother them either. And no offense, but no one can ever replace Granny. She would know exactly how to make this right. She would make the tears and the pain go away and I so wish that I could have her back for just one more day. But that's a lie. Because no amount of days would ever be enough, I would always wish for one more.

I can only thank my lucky star that I got Anders in my life, by whatever force. I owe him my life, for I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for him. But no amount of love, joy or happiness can totally erase the ghosts of our past and they come and go as they please. Not much to do but deal with it, it's a part of the life we're given and were we have no right to make up our own rules or our own game-plan.

Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be...

It's Gonna Be a Wet Wedding...

It's hopeless! I'm gonna have to a have a totally silent wedding and I won't be able to wear any makeup... Just watched and episode of Grey's Anatomy where a couple get married and I cried so much I think the couch needs to hang out to dry...
So, is there such a ceremony? Where no one speaks, where I don't have to say anything and no one notices that I'm not wearing any makeup? I've never heard of it, but maybe someone out there has?

See, I cry. I cry to the Lionking, to Notting Hill, to Animal Planet. I cry when I'm fantastically happy, like when Anders proposed. I cry when I'm hysterically sad, like when Granny died. I cry when I'm angry, like when bad things happen to good people. I cry -- full stop. And you can think that makes me a weak person or whatever, I think the opposite. I think I'm a better person for feeling, I think it makes me try harder and stand stronger, but that's just what I think.

I grew up with two emotionally crippled parents and I don't wanna be like that when my time comes. I will NEVER use silent treatment or cut my children off, letting them think I don't care anymore. Refusing to cry in front of them, refusing to show emotions and letting them think that maybe that's the way it should be. Like I did.

So, a quiet wedding, without makeup, that's my plan... Who's with me? No one?... Hmmm...

Maybe not all tears are bad or a sign of weakness?

Morning Jog/Walk in Kensington!

Gooooood morning! I just got in from the most wonderful morning jog/walk in Kensington Gardens and the pale spring-sun! I'm in love with this place and I know it's silly, but here even the birds are fun to watch and I'm NOT big on winged creatures at home... =D I could stay here forever and after checking FB and the pictures my friends have uploaded--I sure don't wanna go home right now! Don't get me wrong--I love snow, but not in April!

Now I've woken the sleepyhead up, just a quick shower and then off for breakfast at Prêt à Manger and then: British Museum of Natural History!!! Woop woop!!!