Ghosts From the Past...

We all have a past, that is nothing but facts. Some are fortunate enough to walk through life with a clear slate, while most of us gather some companions along the way -- the ghosts of our past. I have my fair share of them, like a horde following me. Mostly they just tread silently behind me, but sometimes they come out roaring and need to be dealt with. This can be done in different ways, mostly I go for the easiest way: the truth. You can lie and try to keep that up for as long as it's necessary, but that is awfully tiresome and difficult and once you forget and slip -- you have one hell of a mess to clean up. You can close the door and do your best to forget, risking that it surfaces at the worst opportunity possible.

I closed a door once, and ran. I ran for my life and sometimes it feels like I'm still running. I did promise myself never to go back there, to that school, the memories. But I had to return sooner than I imagined and since then, that door just hasn't been properly closed.
We all have to make amends with our past sooner or later and I believe in truth. I'm not talking about silly things, like what you think of someone's hair, but important stuff. I expect the same from the people around me and no matter how much it might hurt, I still believe it's better than any of the alternatives.

I broke down Sunday evening, driving home from Anders' family. Lately I've suffered from quite severe anxiety-attacks, more often than in a long time. Endless tears, difficulty breathing, chest-pains and nausea. Not a pretty sight and so hard to stop once it gets going... Just my luck to get one during a nice walk with his parents and sister... Walked long ahead of them so they wouldn't suspect anything, it's not really the best way to make a good impression on your loved one's family... Threw up in the bushes and hurried home, only to collapse on the floor. Poor Anders.
I had these attacks frequently after Granny passed away and all that happened around that time, along with the horrible nightmares. Since I've met Anders, the nightmares have almost disappeared entirely and the attacks are rare. But since I really started planning a serious future for us, they've made an unwanted comeback. I don't know why -- I'm happier than ever! But the thought of building my own family and my own home, without the love and support that I see Anders gets from his family -- it's choking me. No Granny, no Mum, and what about Dad? He still hasn't recovered entirely from his pneumonia and refuses to see the doctor no matter how much I beg him to. It's what I've got, in terms of family. In terms of the people who are supposed to love me and stand behind me no matter what, I have Dad. And don't get me wrong -- I'm so grateful for him and I couldn't ask for a better Dad and I love him to pieces. But he's old and sick and I don't wanna burden him with anything.
So, here I stand, facing all of this and all these questions on my own. I do have my own kind of family, the kind you get to choose yourself: my friends. I love them above and beyond, but they have their own lives and their own problems to think about and I don't really want to bother them either. And no offense, but no one can ever replace Granny. She would know exactly how to make this right. She would make the tears and the pain go away and I so wish that I could have her back for just one more day. But that's a lie. Because no amount of days would ever be enough, I would always wish for one more.

I can only thank my lucky star that I got Anders in my life, by whatever force. I owe him my life, for I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for him. But no amount of love, joy or happiness can totally erase the ghosts of our past and they come and go as they please. Not much to do but deal with it, it's a part of the life we're given and were we have no right to make up our own rules or our own game-plan.

Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be...

Three Wonderful Days!

I've forgotten to tell you about our wonderful week-end down south! And since I'm in some sort of house-arrest, I might as well get it down now.

Friday: we went down rather late, there were lots of things we needed to buy and stuff to sort out before driving south. We went to my beloved friends and the best kids in the whole world, I was so nervous since it was the first time they'd get to meet each other. But all went very well and as usual I feel grateful and strong whenever I've been there, it's easy to believe in love and a good life after a visit to them.
Late Friday night we drove up to Anders' parents house in the country-side and fell asleep after a long and good day.

Saturday: woke up to a wonderful breakfast and gulps of the fresh, amazing air that you only find in the country. The dogs love it there, partly because Anders' mother loves dogs and gives them a whole lot of TLC and partly because there's space to run around in.
After breakfast we packed for a day out in the woods on Sörmlandsleden and drove off in the pale, promising sunlight. Once there, it took about ten minutes before Harry was missing! So typical! We called for him and whistled, but not even a sound to tell us where he might be. He has done this before, but it's just as tough every time as the hours go by.
Long story short: after 3 hours I made Yoggi bark three times and when Harry didn't show up after that, I told Anders we'd take the car and come back later. Just then Anders called: Look, there he is! And there he was! Standing underneath a pine-tree looking very remorseful and tired. A wonderful feeling! Beloved little menace of a dog!
In the evening we went Texas Longhorn for a good bite with Anders' parents, one of his two sisters, her husband and their cute little baby-son. After that we went to the movies and watched "War Horse". I really liked it, but whoever made it doesn't know all that much about horses... =) But I admit it, in the end I shed quite a few tears, as did Anders! <3

Sunday: woke up before every one else, feeling well rested and took the dogs out for a good long walk. The air was crisp and a pale sun greeted us as we made our way through a frost-bitten forrest. It was absolutely beautiful! One of those days when I really feel so lucky to be alive and to just be, no need for anything material at all. The dogs very enjoying themselves immensely, just running straight on, taking a short detour off the track and into the woods here and there. Harry stayed relatively close and we didn't loose him even once! =) 

We went down to Norrköping to meet Malin and Nicklas and baby Fabian--for the first time!!! So small, I can't understand that he'll be a "real person" one of these days, really tiny! So happy for them and it was great to see them again! I'm used to seeing them almost every day and now it's been months... 

After that Anders went with his parents and I went to see my family, well Fredrik's really, but after five years it feels like mine as well. The dogs LOVE them! Above and beyond everything! Since they haven't seen each other for months, the greeting-ceremony took quite some time... =) It was wonderful to see them again, but it breaks my heart that I can't see them everyday anymore! 

We drove back up to Anders' parents and waiting for supper, we played a game called Kunskapsjakten, sort of like Trivial Pursuit. Lots of fun! 

We ate and had tea and I felt myself delaying the journey home for as long as I possibly could, I really wanted to stay longer. I love it there. 

So I think that's the remaining feeling from this week-end: I miss home. And home isn't here. Don't really know what to do about that...