We all have a past, that is nothing but facts. Some are fortunate enough to walk through life with a clear slate, while most of us gather some companions along the way -- the ghosts of our past. I have my fair share of them, like a horde following me. Mostly they just tread silently behind me, but sometimes they come out roaring and need to be dealt with. This can be done in different ways, mostly I go for the easiest way: the truth. You can lie and try to keep that up for as long as it's necessary, but that is awfully tiresome and difficult and once you forget and slip -- you have one hell of a mess to clean up. You can close the door and do your best to forget, risking that it surfaces at the worst opportunity possible.
I closed a door once, and ran. I ran for my life and sometimes it feels like I'm still running. I did promise myself never to go back there, to that school, the memories. But I had to return sooner than I imagined and since then, that door just hasn't been properly closed.
We all have to make amends with our past sooner or later and I believe in truth. I'm not talking about silly things, like what you think of someone's hair, but important stuff. I expect the same from the people around me and no matter how much it might hurt, I still believe it's better than any of the alternatives.
I broke down Sunday evening, driving home from Anders' family. Lately I've suffered from quite severe anxiety-attacks, more often than in a long time. Endless tears, difficulty breathing, chest-pains and nausea. Not a pretty sight and so hard to stop once it gets going... Just my luck to get one during a nice walk with his parents and sister... Walked long ahead of them so they wouldn't suspect anything, it's not really the best way to make a good impression on your loved one's family... Threw up in the bushes and hurried home, only to collapse on the floor. Poor Anders.
I had these attacks frequently after Granny passed away and all that happened around that time, along with the horrible nightmares. Since I've met Anders, the nightmares have almost disappeared entirely and the attacks are rare. But since I really started planning a serious future for us, they've made an unwanted comeback. I don't know why -- I'm happier than ever! But the thought of building my own family and my own home, without the love and support that I see Anders gets from his family -- it's choking me. No Granny, no Mum, and what about Dad? He still hasn't recovered entirely from his pneumonia and refuses to see the doctor no matter how much I beg him to. It's what I've got, in terms of family. In terms of the people who are supposed to love me and stand behind me no matter what, I have Dad. And don't get me wrong -- I'm so grateful for him and I couldn't ask for a better Dad and I love him to pieces. But he's old and sick and I don't wanna burden him with anything.
So, here I stand, facing all of this and all these questions on my own. I do have my own kind of family, the kind you get to choose yourself: my friends. I love them above and beyond, but they have their own lives and their own problems to think about and I don't really want to bother them either. And no offense, but no one can ever replace Granny. She would know exactly how to make this right. She would make the tears and the pain go away and I so wish that I could have her back for just one more day. But that's a lie. Because no amount of days would ever be enough, I would always wish for one more.
I can only thank my lucky star that I got Anders in my life, by whatever force. I owe him my life, for I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for him. But no amount of love, joy or happiness can totally erase the ghosts of our past and they come and go as they please. Not much to do but deal with it, it's a part of the life we're given and were we have no right to make up our own rules or our own game-plan.
Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be...
Visar inlägg med etikett Granny. Visa alla inlägg
Visar inlägg med etikett Granny. Visa alla inlägg
onsdag 2 maj 2012
måndag 2 april 2012
Glory Days...
That's the title of my favorite Springsteen-song and a great song it is. But this is not about my love for music, it's about another love of mine. The greatest there ever was and ever will be: Granny. As some of you know I lost her to a bad stroke almost two years ago. She was my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life, she was everything to me. Loosing her almost cost me my own life, the pain almost killed me from the inside. But somehow I managed to stay alive, only thanks to all the wonderful people around me: Dad, Fredrik and his family and my closest friends. Without you I wouldn't be here today and I hope you know I love you all--no matter what. Well, I won't drown in that ditch right now, if you want to read more about it, there's a blog and a book to tell the story: Kära Mormiz.
But, when she had had her stroke she was first in intensive care and that was awful, but at least they're only there for a short time. After that she was placed in a home in her hometown and we went there to visit her many times and that's where this story begins. Though I am sure the staff did the best they could, that was not a good place to be and definitely not a place to recover and gain strength to come back to life. The rooms where cold and smelled like hospitals do, totally vast and un-personal. The only positive thing was the cat that lived there, it was the joy of their day if the cat decided to sleep in their bed for a while. The food was dry and probably industrial. I couldn't see any happiness in the people living there, they had all just given up. I'm not surprised! A stroke is a very cruel enemy to encounter, everything you are can be taken away in seconds and getting help right away is essential for the recovery. Granny lost her will to live there, I think she wished she had died when the stroke hit her in her home and that she wouldn't have had to suffer all those months at that home. But Mum and I fought like idiots to keep her with us, trying to reach in and grab hold of who she was before her stroke, hoping she was still in there. And on her good days, I think we were close to succeeding, I think we almost reached her and made her remember life before her illness. If you have seen Lord of the Rings-The Two Towers, you know the scene with King Thèoden in Edoras when he is overtaken by the evil spirit of Saruman. There is like a film around him, a mist of some sort and on the other side is the real person, the one they were before--it was exactly like that with Granny. But somedays that film seemed to break up and the Granny we used to know shone through. I'm not sure if this is typical for all stroke patients, but it is the experience I've got and it makes me believe that with the right kind of treatment and stimulation, more people can be saved back to a better life, maybe even a really good life.
I strongly believe that we over-medicate our old and sick today, thinking that a handful of pills will work miracles and nothing else needs to be done with them once they've taken their meds, nothing can be done. My medical expertise is close to none, but I am willing to take in what I see with my eyes and use the poor experiences I have and do something good, something that I believe in.
I don't believe in heavy doses of strong medicines, I believe in humanity, in touch, in empathy, in laughter and I do believe in the healing powers of animals.
Laugh all you want, this is what I believe in. As I've said: I don't know much about medicine and treatments, but I know that animals have a positive effect on most of us. In the States they are used much more frequently than here in Sweden, as we often fail to use them due to issues concerning allergies and such. Some retirement-homes do use dogs and cats though, with great results, as well as in the treatment of children with different disorders and social problems. More about this here in this article from The New York Times.
I also believe that industrially made food is not as good for us as the food we make ourselves, even better if we perhaps can grow some of the vegetables, maybe a few chickens to provide eggs everyday, baking bread instead of buying it (cheaper as well!) and also: let the elderly suggest what they want to eat, can they participate? LET THEM! Reducing them to heaps of meat just sitting in wheel-chairs or whatever makes me FURIOUS! And I see it ALL the time, it breaks my heart. Some may be too weak or too sick to do things, but not all of them. I understand that the work and life of the staff is not and easy one, but this must first and foremost be about the people we care for. It's not their fault that the hours are long and the pay is bad, they've already paid their dues to this country-now it's our turn to take care of them! A little change can make a big difference.
I also noticed that not all of the people living at the same home as Granny, got as frequent visits... This pains me much and though I understand that it might be hard to find the time between a full-time job, kids, husbands and wives, grocery-shopping and what-not--these are the people who brought us into this world! We owe it to them to take time, nothing should matter more in fact. Bring the kids, bring the whole family around. If the weather is good-take a walk outside so the others don't get jealous... =) I can't imagine anything worse than being really sick and maybe close to dying and then be left all alone. Horrible and cruel. No one should suffer or die alone. The security and warmth of a hand on the shoulder or arm goes a long way. Touch can make wonders, if only on the inside.
So--this is the start of my dream. My Glory Days in reverse I guess. A dream and a hope that our last days may be among the better of our lives, when you can rejoice and reminisce about the good old days, but also look forward to tomorrow.
At Glory Days people will live, not be contained until death comes and relieves them.
It started out as a small, quivering thought in the back of my head two years ago. But I thought it impossible, how could I ever achieve all that? Today I only ask myself one question: how could I ever live with myself if I didn't even try?
Emotionally drained right now, I hope to get back to you as soon as possible on this.
But, when she had had her stroke she was first in intensive care and that was awful, but at least they're only there for a short time. After that she was placed in a home in her hometown and we went there to visit her many times and that's where this story begins. Though I am sure the staff did the best they could, that was not a good place to be and definitely not a place to recover and gain strength to come back to life. The rooms where cold and smelled like hospitals do, totally vast and un-personal. The only positive thing was the cat that lived there, it was the joy of their day if the cat decided to sleep in their bed for a while. The food was dry and probably industrial. I couldn't see any happiness in the people living there, they had all just given up. I'm not surprised! A stroke is a very cruel enemy to encounter, everything you are can be taken away in seconds and getting help right away is essential for the recovery. Granny lost her will to live there, I think she wished she had died when the stroke hit her in her home and that she wouldn't have had to suffer all those months at that home. But Mum and I fought like idiots to keep her with us, trying to reach in and grab hold of who she was before her stroke, hoping she was still in there. And on her good days, I think we were close to succeeding, I think we almost reached her and made her remember life before her illness. If you have seen Lord of the Rings-The Two Towers, you know the scene with King Thèoden in Edoras when he is overtaken by the evil spirit of Saruman. There is like a film around him, a mist of some sort and on the other side is the real person, the one they were before--it was exactly like that with Granny. But somedays that film seemed to break up and the Granny we used to know shone through. I'm not sure if this is typical for all stroke patients, but it is the experience I've got and it makes me believe that with the right kind of treatment and stimulation, more people can be saved back to a better life, maybe even a really good life.
I strongly believe that we over-medicate our old and sick today, thinking that a handful of pills will work miracles and nothing else needs to be done with them once they've taken their meds, nothing can be done. My medical expertise is close to none, but I am willing to take in what I see with my eyes and use the poor experiences I have and do something good, something that I believe in.
I don't believe in heavy doses of strong medicines, I believe in humanity, in touch, in empathy, in laughter and I do believe in the healing powers of animals.
Laugh all you want, this is what I believe in. As I've said: I don't know much about medicine and treatments, but I know that animals have a positive effect on most of us. In the States they are used much more frequently than here in Sweden, as we often fail to use them due to issues concerning allergies and such. Some retirement-homes do use dogs and cats though, with great results, as well as in the treatment of children with different disorders and social problems. More about this here in this article from The New York Times.
I also believe that industrially made food is not as good for us as the food we make ourselves, even better if we perhaps can grow some of the vegetables, maybe a few chickens to provide eggs everyday, baking bread instead of buying it (cheaper as well!) and also: let the elderly suggest what they want to eat, can they participate? LET THEM! Reducing them to heaps of meat just sitting in wheel-chairs or whatever makes me FURIOUS! And I see it ALL the time, it breaks my heart. Some may be too weak or too sick to do things, but not all of them. I understand that the work and life of the staff is not and easy one, but this must first and foremost be about the people we care for. It's not their fault that the hours are long and the pay is bad, they've already paid their dues to this country-now it's our turn to take care of them! A little change can make a big difference.
I also noticed that not all of the people living at the same home as Granny, got as frequent visits... This pains me much and though I understand that it might be hard to find the time between a full-time job, kids, husbands and wives, grocery-shopping and what-not--these are the people who brought us into this world! We owe it to them to take time, nothing should matter more in fact. Bring the kids, bring the whole family around. If the weather is good-take a walk outside so the others don't get jealous... =) I can't imagine anything worse than being really sick and maybe close to dying and then be left all alone. Horrible and cruel. No one should suffer or die alone. The security and warmth of a hand on the shoulder or arm goes a long way. Touch can make wonders, if only on the inside.
So--this is the start of my dream. My Glory Days in reverse I guess. A dream and a hope that our last days may be among the better of our lives, when you can rejoice and reminisce about the good old days, but also look forward to tomorrow.
At Glory Days people will live, not be contained until death comes and relieves them.
It started out as a small, quivering thought in the back of my head two years ago. But I thought it impossible, how could I ever achieve all that? Today I only ask myself one question: how could I ever live with myself if I didn't even try?
Emotionally drained right now, I hope to get back to you as soon as possible on this.
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