I'm so bloody tired of this!!! Year after year promising myself to do something about my situation and then always letting myself down. I think it's because I've gone too soft on myself... A few baby-steps too many allowed, for fear of not getting any results what-so-ever, a pat on the back too much for nothing accomplished! Enough already! It hasn't gotten me anywhere but here. And as I look in the mirror - I'm still miserable. That's really all that matters... Not what others think. Not what the scale says. Not how many inches the measuring-tape tells me I've lost or gained. It's really all about how I feel about what I see in that mirror.
And, though I may be giving myself too much credit here, I think I'm finally ready to kick myself in the butt and get it done. I know I've said it before, but I think I'm finally there. Finally fed up with my sorry self and ready to avenge myself.
I thought I was ready two years ago, I did great on my new diet! I lost some weight and kept losing it as the weeks went by. Then on New Years Eve we found out that my father had colon cancer. My beloved father, the man I've always loved more than anyone and always looked up to and trailed after like a little puppy. And my granny was ill, she'd had a stroke in the fall and was hospitalized, not responding to treatment. She was my best friend, a little weird perhaps, but if you had met her it would have made perfect sense. She died on Good Friday... In the middle of all this chaos, my mum decided to leave dad after 30 years and go marry some guy she'd met in a dance-class... It wasn't unexpected, it was just too much. Horrible. The end of my life as I knew it then. And I fell. Into a life of destruction and more self-loathing. I couldn't haul myself out of the black pit I had created for myself, just barely stay alive some days. So taking care of myself packed its bags and left. And I ate. I ate to stop the tears from rushing down my cheeks, to stop the aching that pounded in my heart, to stop the thoughts from thundering in my head keeping me from sleep, I ate for whatever reason there was. I think I ate because I hated myself for being the one still alive when she was not.
I don't even care to remember how many bowls (yes, really) of chocolate-pudding with whipped cream I forced down, but at least one every evening. Candy. Crisps. Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice-cream. Well, you get the picture, it wasn't exactly carrots and cauliflower that went down.
I kind of stopped moving as well. As if sadness froze me to the bed, the quiet room at school, never leaving except to go to class. I don't really know why I did that, I who believe in the healing word, in talking about things no matter how difficult they are to talk about. But I cut myself out of the picture, not letting anyone near. My poor boyfriend and all my friends, what could they do? I shut them out and turned my anger, fear, sadness, frustration, loss and pain inwards, not knowing how to ever live and love again.
But I started writing, a blog that was like a letter to Granny, a journal of the life we had had together and my feelings about loosing her and everything else. If you want you can visit it
here and read more about her. It worked. It was like every word I wrote stitched me up a little on the inside and I published my blog as a book after one year of writing. But there were still issues and I was far from ready to get to working on myself again. During the summer of 2010 I started smoking again after a 2 year long break, stupid I know. But when people ask, I just laugh and say: "Considering how I felt, I'm glad I didn't fall into heavier stuff..." I had a few, meek attempts at exercise and some kind of diet, but I always lost faith in myself after a little while and as I began to smoke more and more, my lungs weren't exactly pleased with me...
A lot has changed since then. A whole new life you could say. Cliché you could say, I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve this good life that I've found. After a difficult and painful break-up, I really struggled to get to my feet again, but I did it. And sooner than I would've thought...
A lot thanks to Anders. The love of my life. A man that I marvel at every day, not understanding how I can be so lucky as to have him in my life.
Thanks to my dad. An amazing man who has stood by me through and through, battling cancer and being left during the hardest time of his life, not being able to sleep for a great deal of time. I am truly thankful to have him as my dad and we've grown even closer through this hardship.
Thanks to my friends. Some didn't have the strength to follow through, which I truly understand. But the ones that are still here, what extraordinary people! All my love and I do hope to be able to repay you one day, even though I so hope you will never have to experience pain like I did.
Thanks to my two dogs, always by my side. You may think it's stupid to put such faith in two four-legged creatures, but then you haven't met them, have you? =)
All this has led me to this day, here I stand, stronger than I have felt in many years and finally ready to deal with this life of mine. I turn 30 in August and my plan is to make good on my promise to myself until then. My gift to myself I guess you could say...
I plan to weigh in tomorrow and take my measures as well, then weigh in every Sunday and take measures once a month. I'm gonna try to keep the carbohydrates as low as possible during the weeks and allow myself one or two days a week of "looser reins". I don't believe I can quit everything all at once and I've just quit smoking - yey me!!! I'll try to stay away from sodas and candy, allowing myself other treats. As for exercise, I understand that I have to get my cute ass moving, but I have to really think through how, because I don't wanna overdo it and stop all together. So, some jogging definitely. I worked out my own schedule last summer: first I jogged 1 kilometer every other day for a month and then I just added another kilometer for every passing month. It was really good and I timed myself, after a few weeks I found myself looking forward to the days when I was supposed to run. Never would have thought!!!
Then some sort of weight-training, preferably at home. I'd like to start riding again as well, best training for the thighs, hands down. I hope and think that me and Anders will play tennis at least once a week, it's great fun.
And of course, lots of walks with our wonderful, wonderful dogs!!!
There, that's my plan and the plan is to loose somewhere around 30 kilos, but I'll be satisfied with 20 until August... =)
I'd love for you to follow me and I'd be really grateful if you'd drop me an encouraging line after your visit!!!
Now, a small glass of wine in front of the movie and then some nervous sleep before tomorrow's weigh-in.
