When I Say I Don't, I Do.

That might sound totally crazy, but in the right context it's perfectly clear.

I'm hard to live with--I know. I'm headstrong, strong-willed and proud as hell--I know. I speak my mind and take up a lot of space--I know. Some people call me selfish, stubborn and high-maintenance--I know. I'm an only child with two hard-working, absent parents who tried to buy their way out of the guilt. I'm used to people listening to what I have to say, to having my way and the things I want.
Maybe that is who I am if one were to describe me honestly? Right now it feels like hole-in-one... I am my own worst critic and I know my bad sides pretty well without having them pointed out to me. I have had them pointed out to me a great part of my life.
I've crashed and burned many times, more than one person probably should have to. I've gotten back up again and kept on fighting. That's also a part of who I am.
This means that I've been burnt many times and had my heart broken into a thousand pieces. But I still believe in loving with all my might. I still believe that love is the only thing that grows the more you share it and I'm not afraid of it anymore. Before Granny died, I was as emotionally incapable as my parents, who have never told me they love me. I know they do--but they've never said the actual words. After Gran's death--it became extremely important to me to tell my loved ones that they were just that. As often as I can. I hope that they know and feel that every day.

I am only scared of one thing when it comes to relationships: silence. My parents have never, not even once, raised their voices to me. If I had done something to upset them-they just ignored me for a while. This has made me extremely sensitive to raised voices and different moods in people around me. I'm easily "punished": silence or just slightly raising your voice.

My reaction to any sort of argument is that I turn all cold inside: my stomach turns to ice and I can almost feel my blood freezing up in my veins. I cut myself off emotionally and try to shield myself from the pain. I say mean things, things I regret the same moment they leave my mouth, but I'm unable to stop myself. The worst thing is probably that I maintain a good level of argumentation, I can throw rock-solid arguments around me and cause even more damage, anything to keep from getting hurt myself.

But the truth is: I do hurt. I probably started bleeding at the first small quarrel and as it grew--my injuries got worse and worse. And I probably made you think I didn't, but I did. You being angry with me is the worst thing I can imagine and right now I don't know how to make it right...

I'm so sorry for being the way I am, I hope you can see past it and find sides that make up for this.

In an unstable relationship, you can scream at the top of your lungs and still not make a sound. In a strong relationship, you need only whisper to be heard.