We all have a past, that is nothing but facts. Some are fortunate enough to walk through life with a clear slate, while most of us gather some companions along the way -- the ghosts of our past. I have my fair share of them, like a horde following me. Mostly they just tread silently behind me, but sometimes they come out roaring and need to be dealt with. This can be done in different ways, mostly I go for the easiest way: the truth. You can lie and try to keep that up for as long as it's necessary, but that is awfully tiresome and difficult and once you forget and slip -- you have one hell of a mess to clean up. You can close the door and do your best to forget, risking that it surfaces at the worst opportunity possible.
I closed a door once, and ran. I ran for my life and sometimes it feels like I'm still running. I did promise myself never to go back there, to that school, the memories. But I had to return sooner than I imagined and since then, that door just hasn't been properly closed.
We all have to make amends with our past sooner or later and I believe in truth. I'm not talking about silly things, like what you think of someone's hair, but important stuff. I expect the same from the people around me and no matter how much it might hurt, I still believe it's better than any of the alternatives.
I broke down Sunday evening, driving home from Anders' family. Lately I've suffered from quite severe anxiety-attacks, more often than in a long time. Endless tears, difficulty breathing, chest-pains and nausea. Not a pretty sight and so hard to stop once it gets going... Just my luck to get one during a nice walk with his parents and sister... Walked long ahead of them so they wouldn't suspect anything, it's not really the best way to make a good impression on your loved one's family... Threw up in the bushes and hurried home, only to collapse on the floor. Poor Anders.
I had these attacks frequently after Granny passed away and all that happened around that time, along with the horrible nightmares. Since I've met Anders, the nightmares have almost disappeared entirely and the attacks are rare. But since I really started planning a serious future for us, they've made an unwanted comeback. I don't know why -- I'm happier than ever! But the thought of building my own family and my own home, without the love and support that I see Anders gets from his family -- it's choking me. No Granny, no Mum, and what about Dad? He still hasn't recovered entirely from his pneumonia and refuses to see the doctor no matter how much I beg him to. It's what I've got, in terms of family. In terms of the people who are supposed to love me and stand behind me no matter what, I have Dad. And don't get me wrong -- I'm so grateful for him and I couldn't ask for a better Dad and I love him to pieces. But he's old and sick and I don't wanna burden him with anything.
So, here I stand, facing all of this and all these questions on my own. I do have my own kind of family, the kind you get to choose yourself: my friends. I love them above and beyond, but they have their own lives and their own problems to think about and I don't really want to bother them either. And no offense, but no one can ever replace Granny. She would know exactly how to make this right. She would make the tears and the pain go away and I so wish that I could have her back for just one more day. But that's a lie. Because no amount of days would ever be enough, I would always wish for one more.
I can only thank my lucky star that I got Anders in my life, by whatever force. I owe him my life, for I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for him. But no amount of love, joy or happiness can totally erase the ghosts of our past and they come and go as they please. Not much to do but deal with it, it's a part of the life we're given and were we have no right to make up our own rules or our own game-plan.
Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be...
