A Lovely Month..

Yesterday it was one month since we got engaged! London seems soooo far away though, I can't really believe it's only a month! This feels so right, so good and so like we've known each other since always. Like I've said before, I know some people think we're moving fast, but this is it. I've searched for Anders for 29 years and now that I've found him--there's no time to loose! I want to enjoy every single day we get together and even though I had slept too little and worked 12 hours yesterday, we still met up for dinner after work. We went to Texas Longhorn on Fleminggatan, a rather small, but very nice place. I was starving since I had adjusted lunch to be able to enjoy the dinner instead, but Anders had insisted that he wanted 5 potatoes with his meatballs, so he wasn't really starving... =) We ordered nachos with guacamole and melted cheddar for starters and then we both ordered rib-eye steak with fries for main course, I got the 200 grams, which was named "Ladies" in the menu and Anders therefor insisted that he HAD to order the 300 grams called "Beltbuster" instead... =) It was also served with a green salad with an amazing dressing and half a corncob, I couldn't get mine down though. The food was great and such a lovely atmosphere!
Then we walked to the subway and we started talking about where to live. I mean, I was brought up out in the countryside on a big yard with lots of horses, running barefoot in the grass and having the forest right outside my window and THAT is an amazing childhood! I always thought so and still do. But, I LOVE Stockholm! I moved in to the city when I was 17 years old, when we moved to Borås. I thought I'd never be able to sleep again because of all the noise! Now I almost crave the humming sound of a distant free-way to be able to sleep at all... I love the lights at night, the old buildings, the small inner-yards you can see when you walk through some areas, in Stockholm I'm infatuated with Old Town--it's absolutely wonderful! And the water... Always present in Stockholm, and one of many things that make it, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful cities in the world.
So, I'm torn. I was so sure that I wanted to live out in the countryside and that if I ever had kids, they would have the same privileged childhood I had. But you can't re-create a life, it won't ever be the same. And one thing I do know: if I can't give them the same perfect childhood I had, with the yard and the animals--then I don't wanna live in the countryside at all.

I guess you could say I want it all and right now I more than a little torn in the matter... But it sounds so sweet when Tim sings about it...

Enter Sandman...

The nightmares seem to be making an unwanted comeback... Had them two nights in a row now, no fun at all...
They all seem to be about me feeling like I'm not in control and dealing with some of my real fears. The night before last, I dreamt I was out in a cabin in the deepest forest and it was winter, the snow was thick and difficult to walk in. I was there with a colleague of mine, when all of a sudden a see a furious bear head towards us through the snow and I knew we had to get inside and shut doors and windows. My colleague comes riding on a horse, but it slips on the muddy road and goes down, leaving my colleague on her knees crying. I get over to them and drag them both inside, the bear closing in on us with every second. I slam the front door in the last second and start to run around to close up everything else... Always one more window or door left to close and I start to panic. I've had this dream before in other scenarios, but always needing to shut one more door or window to be safe...

Last night I had two nightmares and in the end I just gave up and got up instead.
First I dreamt that I was out walking with a horse that I had, when all of a sudden a raging pitbull comes charging out of the forest and attacks us! It sinks its teeth into the horse's flesh and draws up deep wounds and then disappears. I'm left with the injured and bleeding horse and no means to tend to its wounds but trying to cover them with my hands to stop the bleeding. A horrible feeling that I think originates in my real worries when I'm out waking the dogs, there are so many people unleashing dogs that they can't really control and it makes me very nervous when I meet them. Or just stupid people who let their dogs walk up to mine in a leash, making me jump out of the way to avoid contact. Yoggi doesn't like other dogs very much since he was attacked as a puppy and I respect that. I don't like strangers up in my face either! But some people don't understand how dogs work and that creates a lot of problems.

The other dream was also one I've had before, where I get a child and don't connect to it at all, rather detesting it and forgetting it everywhere. Once I dreamt I forgot it under a jacket in the back-seat of the car and last night on a trailer. When I finally found her and picked her up, she was replaced by a doll! I totally panicked and woke startled.
Dreaming about having kids and not loving them is a reoccurring dream of mine, maybe it just means that I'm not ready to have kids, maybe I'll never be. I'm not very found of them, except my friends' kids, and I can't stand the crying, whining and screaming they seem to do constantly. So maybe I'll never have kids and maybe that's what my dreams are trying to tell me is the right decision?...

Ghosts From the Past...

We all have a past, that is nothing but facts. Some are fortunate enough to walk through life with a clear slate, while most of us gather some companions along the way -- the ghosts of our past. I have my fair share of them, like a horde following me. Mostly they just tread silently behind me, but sometimes they come out roaring and need to be dealt with. This can be done in different ways, mostly I go for the easiest way: the truth. You can lie and try to keep that up for as long as it's necessary, but that is awfully tiresome and difficult and once you forget and slip -- you have one hell of a mess to clean up. You can close the door and do your best to forget, risking that it surfaces at the worst opportunity possible.

I closed a door once, and ran. I ran for my life and sometimes it feels like I'm still running. I did promise myself never to go back there, to that school, the memories. But I had to return sooner than I imagined and since then, that door just hasn't been properly closed.
We all have to make amends with our past sooner or later and I believe in truth. I'm not talking about silly things, like what you think of someone's hair, but important stuff. I expect the same from the people around me and no matter how much it might hurt, I still believe it's better than any of the alternatives.

I broke down Sunday evening, driving home from Anders' family. Lately I've suffered from quite severe anxiety-attacks, more often than in a long time. Endless tears, difficulty breathing, chest-pains and nausea. Not a pretty sight and so hard to stop once it gets going... Just my luck to get one during a nice walk with his parents and sister... Walked long ahead of them so they wouldn't suspect anything, it's not really the best way to make a good impression on your loved one's family... Threw up in the bushes and hurried home, only to collapse on the floor. Poor Anders.
I had these attacks frequently after Granny passed away and all that happened around that time, along with the horrible nightmares. Since I've met Anders, the nightmares have almost disappeared entirely and the attacks are rare. But since I really started planning a serious future for us, they've made an unwanted comeback. I don't know why -- I'm happier than ever! But the thought of building my own family and my own home, without the love and support that I see Anders gets from his family -- it's choking me. No Granny, no Mum, and what about Dad? He still hasn't recovered entirely from his pneumonia and refuses to see the doctor no matter how much I beg him to. It's what I've got, in terms of family. In terms of the people who are supposed to love me and stand behind me no matter what, I have Dad. And don't get me wrong -- I'm so grateful for him and I couldn't ask for a better Dad and I love him to pieces. But he's old and sick and I don't wanna burden him with anything.
So, here I stand, facing all of this and all these questions on my own. I do have my own kind of family, the kind you get to choose yourself: my friends. I love them above and beyond, but they have their own lives and their own problems to think about and I don't really want to bother them either. And no offense, but no one can ever replace Granny. She would know exactly how to make this right. She would make the tears and the pain go away and I so wish that I could have her back for just one more day. But that's a lie. Because no amount of days would ever be enough, I would always wish for one more.

I can only thank my lucky star that I got Anders in my life, by whatever force. I owe him my life, for I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for him. But no amount of love, joy or happiness can totally erase the ghosts of our past and they come and go as they please. Not much to do but deal with it, it's a part of the life we're given and were we have no right to make up our own rules or our own game-plan.

Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be...

It's Gonna Be a Wet Wedding...

It's hopeless! I'm gonna have to a have a totally silent wedding and I won't be able to wear any makeup... Just watched and episode of Grey's Anatomy where a couple get married and I cried so much I think the couch needs to hang out to dry...
So, is there such a ceremony? Where no one speaks, where I don't have to say anything and no one notices that I'm not wearing any makeup? I've never heard of it, but maybe someone out there has?

See, I cry. I cry to the Lionking, to Notting Hill, to Animal Planet. I cry when I'm fantastically happy, like when Anders proposed. I cry when I'm hysterically sad, like when Granny died. I cry when I'm angry, like when bad things happen to good people. I cry -- full stop. And you can think that makes me a weak person or whatever, I think the opposite. I think I'm a better person for feeling, I think it makes me try harder and stand stronger, but that's just what I think.

I grew up with two emotionally crippled parents and I don't wanna be like that when my time comes. I will NEVER use silent treatment or cut my children off, letting them think I don't care anymore. Refusing to cry in front of them, refusing to show emotions and letting them think that maybe that's the way it should be. Like I did.

So, a quiet wedding, without makeup, that's my plan... Who's with me? No one?... Hmmm...

Maybe not all tears are bad or a sign of weakness?

The Fast and The...?

So, I knew it beforehand really, but still it bothers me a bit. That some people can't be really, truly happy for others and though I know it's their loss --it still bothers me. And what bugs me the most is that I get so affected by it, that I start to think that maybe some of the ones that don't say that stuff out loud--they think it to!
"Wow, that's fast!"
 Yes, I know it is, but I also know that it's right. Anders is the One, he couldn't possibly be more right! He's the Fred Astaire to my Ginger Rogers , he's the Rhett Butler to my Scarlet O'Hara, he's the Tarzan to my Jane and we finish each other's sentences, we move in the same flow and with him I feel complete and ready to take on the world. What more do I need to know? So what we've only known each other for a little more than 6 months? We could be together for 20 years, get married and still end up miserable. I don't believe time is an issue, at least not in this case. But I still feel a slight sting when I realize that people think we're moving to fast, especially when it comes from someone close...
Well, if anything -- we'll prove them wrong! Our love will prove them wrong in the end and that's all that matters. I believe in us and I don't need anybody's approval this time.

I'm getting married in 13 months and I intend to enjoy every single step towards my wedding, to really throw myself head-first in to all the tiny details, change my mind -- just to change it back again some days later. Try too many kinds of wedding-cakes, try on too many wedding-dresses, think and re-think the color of the flower-arrangements, glue myself to the first draft of invitations, make my first scrap-book about planning this wonderful event, make mistakes and get upset, probably a thousand times over.

Because I'm only doing this once. Because that's what forever means.

Anybody got a problem with that?...

The Love of My Life...

Today we've been us for 6 months... That's so strange, I could've sworn it was longer, like 6 years or something.

I wasn't going to meet anybody, I was going to be single for at least a year, after breaking up a 5 year long relationship. I just registered on that dating-site for fun, just to talk, maybe a casual date someday, nothing serious. I was about to end my membership as well, when I got a very special e-mail, from a guy who really knew how to write. I was intrigued, from the first line there was a very special feeling and even though I wasn't supposed to get in to anything, I was trapped. After that, things went from bad to worse, so to speak. With every mail, every line, each time we chatted, then each text: I was reeled in tighter and tighter until at last there was only one way to find out. Talking on the phone. I already knew that his language sent shivers down my spine, but the voice is so important to me... I was scared that I wouldn't like his voice and being the brave man that he is, he tried to catch me off guard, by calling 15 minutes before the appointed time! =) I was in the shower and missed his call... I went outside and walked to a small park nearby, where I called him up again and held my breath. I think I held it for a good while after he started talking, not daring to break the magic spell that obviously was at work that night. For I loved his voice. It was every bit as amazing as I had hoped and dreamed, strong and absolutely enchanting. So we talked. For 6 hours straight and we've kept talking ever since, never running out of things to talk about. Anders has this amazing gift of being able to talk about ANYTHING and still make it interesting! Fascinating! I really think he should work as a teacher, he could teach any subject and I know that his pupils would adore him.

Anyways, after one week of talking for hours on the phone, we had decided that I should come down to Kalmar where he lived at the time. I had told him all of my quirks and he fulfilled all the "qualifications" I had given myself the luxury of coming up with... Still, the butterflies were ENORMOUS! I packed the dogs and drove for 2,5 hours to get to his place in Kalmar. I called him when I parked on his street and I walked out towards his door. He came out and we started running and without thinking about the greatness of it--I ran in to the arms of the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. But after that week-end, that was crystal-clear. Since then, it's been us. Has it only been 6 months? I can't imagine life without him and he makes me the best I can be.

And all those months before he moved here, my crazy little break-down that week before he came here for good--thinking that I needed the apartment to myself a little longer... I laugh now, it seems so stupid.  The day his things moved in to our apartment was fantastic, just as every day since he wrote his way in to my heart!
I was always so scared of the future, but now I really look forward to it, all of it! I've been lucky enough to find my other half, the one person in the world that I'm supposed to be with and now I believe that there is one person out there for all of us--but not everybody finds their person. Sadly, because I think this world would be much better if everyone did find their perfect match. I know I'm a much better person since I found Anders, or he found me, and I wake up everyday wanting to be even better--the best I can possibly be.
I feel braver and more competent since I met him, because even if I don't manage all the things I want to do--I know that I get to come home to Anders every day and he will still love me no matter what.

And that's all that really matters.

I love you more than anything!

It Hurts To See...

This mannequin was displayed in the window of Gina Tricot's store at Sergelgatan in Stockholm

It makes me furious and so freaking sad that this is what young girls have to see when shopping for clothes on a daily basis!!! I mean--the ribs??? Give me a show of hands all of you who think this looks seriously good! No wonder so many of us feel bad about our weight or looks! I might be just a wee bit biased (or some might think: jealous...), but this is wrong. All the guys I've talked to say they think it looks disgusting, but it might still affect young girls negatively and the CEO says it's supposed to be a size 36 EU/6 US. Why does it always have to be a size 6? What's wrong with size 8 or 10? When will we accept the fact that we all look different and be "allowed" to feel good about ourselves just the way we are? I'm trying to loose weight due to health-issues and because I want to, not because I want to look like a skeleton mannequin... Not that I ever could, my bone-structure won't allow it!

I know several women who have suffered from eating disorders and though I strongly feel that we all are responsible for taking care of ourselves and our bodies--this is not the way to teach us that we are perfect just the way we are. And I do believe that we aren't more than humans and we do get affected by what we see, what we read, what we hear. I for one hate shopping! I was never a huge fan of it, but since my weight-gain 5 years back--it's gone from a lack of interest to some small kind of phobia for me. I know that the clothes I think look great won't fit, they never make them in my size. Let's not even get started on jeans. I love jeans, but Levi's and Diesel have never made jeans for girls with lots of jelly... =) Just saying'. Kim Kardashian has not changed that fact and maybe she and J.Lo can get their jeans custom-fit, but most of us can't and therefore we have to settle for old ladies "jeans" at KappAhl... Not a lot of fun I can tell you... 

A few years back, Lindex (read an article here) launched a collection of clothes called "Affordable Luxury" by designer Ewa Larsson--this collection was only made in sizes Small and Medium with the explanation that for larger sizes they would have had to make totally different clothes!!! Since then, I have never sat my foot in a Lindex store. My silent protest which will now expand to Gina Tricot. I think it's so tragic, I'm lacking words for how I feel, but for the 13-year old me who cried herself to sleep after days of mockery at school--I have to do something!

I dream of creating my own collection of clothes one day, one where all sizes are available, where the right to look fantastic isn't limited to a number. I've already thought up a name for it: Wicked Beauty by Wallin Bååth, how's that for a name?!? 

Daddy Dearest...

My dad is ill... I know it's probably nothing, just a bad cold, but still... My mind is back in 2010 when everything fell apart. We're going to the doctors today and all I can think about is cancer. X.rays. Surgery. Chemo. Medicine. Just like in 2010. The same hell all over again. Silly me, I know, but still.

I've always been daddy's girl. He had 4 sons before me and I think he has sometimes wished that I would have been a boy as well. I've been as close to a boy as a girl can be, following him around like a faithful puppy: building things, fixing cars and tractors, getting my hands dirty in whatever he was doing.
He has always been my big idol, I've closed my eyes to all his faults my entire life and I love him beyond comparison. He's difficult to love, at least to tell him that you love him seems impossible!

In late 2009 he started loosing weight and had trouble eating due to abdominal pain. But my father is Rambo himself and never complains, never goes to the doctor, never stops working. It all culminated during the Christmas holidays that year and the day before New Years Eve I forced him to the hospital. The doctor didn't give us any straight answers, but dad was admitted and had to have x-rays done the next day. He had to stay the night and the day after he called us to come pick him up. I heard over the phone that something was wrong, very wrong. I asked him and he said the doctor had talked about "changes in his colon" and we hung up. I looked at mum and asked: "Changes? That's cancer, right?" She just nodded and my world fell apart.
Dad came home with us and had surgery a few weeks later and after that a long and difficult chemotherapy. It was so hard, seeing him weak and ill, poor dad.

So, this cold, his heavy breathing and general weakness--it brings me right back to those days. But I hope that we get away with a bad cold this time... Keep us in your thoughts until I get back...

Thank You...

Today is the International Women's Day and I realize that it is an important and symbolic day for many people, but I must say it means nothing to me.

I don't need a certain day in the calendar to feel special--I need only look into my loved one's eyes to know that I am. Or to read a text or an e-mail that he has sent me, for I feel it in every word and I am truly grateful to have him in my life!
He is truly amazing in every way: he's extremely intelligent and smart, he is the kindest and most caring man I've ever met, he puts up with all my oddities and makes me feel good about myself and he is absolutely beautiful!!! Thank you for being in my life and thank you for loving me, you are everything to me.

All my love!

I am no poet, but this sums it up pretty good:

" So many changes this world can put you through
Sometimes it's hard to find a way if a heart can get confused
But then I hold you and it all falls into place
You've given me what time cannot erase
So when I'm feeling down or feel sorry for myself
I look around and it's easy to tell 

That I am blessed, every time I look into my baby's eyes
I think of all the friends who touched my life
I realise in a world where some have more and some have less
I have love and I am blessed"

Lyrics from "I Am Blessed" by Eternal