My Dad was born 77 years ago today, somewhere between a rock and a hard place in the deepest forests of our country. They were 4 siblings, but his elder sister died in a tragic accident when she was 18 years old. I don't know much about my grandfather, he died from colon-cancer long before I was born, I'm not even sure if any one of my elder brothers ever met him. I've seen pictures and since Dad doesn't seem to want to talk about him that much, I've stopped asking. What I do know is that he hit Dad and his siblings, as was almost custom back then. Dad has told me how grandpa made them go and get the twigs he'd hit them with themselves... Awfully cruel and it is impossible to understand that Dad ever suffered such cruelty when you meet him--I have met few kinder people in my days. Rough, yes no doubt, but the kindest man there ever was. Maybe being beaten as a child can do two things to you: either you do exactly the same thing to others as was done onto you, or the opposite: you'd never want any one to suffer as you have done and thus you might even overcompensate?... For my Dad has never, not once, even raised his voice at me. He is amazingly sweet with children and all animals.
I've only seen him cry twice in my life: when I got my driver's license (he was there with me) and of course when we had to put down our first borderterrier Batman.
His life has not been easy, but he has never complained, the viking that he is. He has told me that he dreamt of becoming a surgeon as a child, and this always brings a smile to my face. Not that he wouldn't have been great at it, I have no doubt about that, but when you see his hands today... They're HUGE! After years and years of hard work, they're calloused and scarred and it is indeed impossible to imagine them in an OR... Therefor he has always told me how important it is to have a good education and he has inspired me to do good in school. He is very upset that my biggest dream is to join the police-force though, he's not such a big fan of them... =)
We have always been close, as I've told you before, I trailed him like a puppy when I was a kid and though he has been away working a lot and for long periods of time--that bond never broke. But it became even stronger during the upsetting events that took place in the winter of 2009/2010. First Granny's illness and then Dad's cancer, I could hardly stand straight when he told me what they'd found. Cancer... How can 6 letters contain so much pain and fear? They're just letters, still I know they make people all around the world shiver with fear and grief. I was lucky. We were lucky, Dad and I, he made it out alive, but alone. Mum left him after 30 years in the middle of the worst battle of his life. He can't forgive and neither can I. Because I was there, I saw what it did to him, how it broke him down. My Dad is far from flawless, but he has sacrificed everything to give me and Mum a good life, to make it possible for us to have our horses and it has cost him a lot.
I think a small piece of him died then, he has not really been the same ever since. Mum is out of both our lives since two years back, she remarried only 4 months after leaving Dad and try as I might--I cannot understand how she could do that to him.
Today we're closer than ever, Dad and I. We live only two blocks away from each other and we talk on the phone everyday. I'm glad he and Anders seem to like each other a lot, they talk as if I wasn't there sometimes, but I don't mind.
All I wish for right now, is a happy ending for my Dad. Not like in dying peacefully, I will keep him with us for many years ahead, but in him having something to take joy and pride in again. I wish for a small farm where he can live in his own little house and help out with whatever he wants to do, or just putter around and feel good. I also hope that we'll be able to go to Australia, for that has always been his dream. It's expensive, but I'll do anything to make it happen.
Well, I know since long ago that I hate training if it takes too much time and/or effort to get there. Once there, I love it, but if I have to take the car or tube or whatever to get there--I'm likely to invent whatever reason not to go...
So, the best training is the one that gets done, right? Therefor jogging/running would be perfect for me! Just one teeny tiny problem: I hate it. Well, I used to hate it and then I loved it and now I kind of hate it again... But that's just because I've gotten really comfortable here in my comfort-zone since I met Anders. Sorry love, but you really messed up my training... =) Time to change all that now and I've been through many ideas over the past few weeks as to HOW to get me back in to it. Last year, I decided to start running and since I need to compete and never do anything without a tough goal, I set the goal to run The New York Mini 10 K for women... The plan was to run 1 K three times a week the first month and then add 1 K each month. That went really well, until November and 3 K--when I met Anders. Lost focus, lost the will to try and lost track of everything not related to Anders... It's sweet to be in love, but my, it makes you stupid! =)
Since then I haven't really even tried running. But, now's the time to change that and first I thought about doing it the same way again, but I changed my mind. See, where I used to live, we had great tracks on soft ground that felt good under my feet. Where I live now I don't. I can only run on asphalt here and that is not at all as nice... Since I'm so heavy I'm also a little worried about my knees and legs on this hard surface. So, I plan to invest in some really good shoes and also: take it slowly. I know myself--I push too hard and then give up when it get's too tough. Not this time. For 2 weeks (starting Monday) I will do intervals (jog 1 mins/walk 2 mins) at least 3 K's 3-4 times/week and then do 1*1 for 2 weeks and see the results on that.
I tried it today on my regular 6,5 K walk with the dogs, the last 3 K's I jogged 1 minute and walked 2 minutes all the way. Felt really good--but I need to constantly think about my posture, opening up and straightening up to breathe easier and better and to help my body as much as possible.
I'll get back to you on the progress... =)
My goals are these: manage 2 K's in 10 minutes by week 25 and I've also decided to sign up for ToppLoppet here in Stockholm on September 22:nd! It's a 5 or 10 K run in Hagaparken and it'll be my first competion ever...
If you haven't read ToppHälsa, give it a try, best ever in my opinion!
Soooo happy!!! Yey me!!!
I still don't think I'll make my goal for London, which is too bad, but this is giving me every bit of fighting-spirit I need to keep trying and that counts for a lot more! Continuity is my new friend and guiding star.
Well, nothing special to brag about this week either, a cold put a stop to any serious kind of training. Too bad--since it was my easy week at work and I had lots opportunities to work-out. I've started worrying about getting these colds all the time, I've never been sick this often before! I thought I'd get BETTER once I quit smoking, and I quit in December... And also I am a little worried that I might not have the best immune-system for swimming right now, my guess is that it might not be the most healthy environment in town... So, no more swimming before London, I do not want to risk having even the tiniest cold ruining our trip! I'll have to make do with walks and home work-outs for now...
But I took one 6,5 K walk and ran 1 K last week, a really intense week huh?... =)
That's the title of my favorite Springsteen-song and a great song it is. But this is not about my love for music, it's about another love of mine. The greatest there ever was and ever will be: Granny. As some of you know I lost her to a bad stroke almost two years ago. She was my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life, she was everything to me. Loosing her almost cost me my own life, the pain almost killed me from the inside. But somehow I managed to stay alive, only thanks to all the wonderful people around me: Dad, Fredrik and his family and my closest friends. Without you I wouldn't be here today and I hope you know I love you all--no matter what. Well, I won't drown in that ditch right now, if you want to read more about it, there's a blog and a book to tell the story: Kära Mormiz.
But, when she had had her stroke she was first in intensive care and that was awful, but at least they're only there for a short time. After that she was placed in a home in her hometown and we went there to visit her many times and that's where this story begins. Though I am sure the staff did the best they could, that was not a good place to be and definitely not a place to recover and gain strength to come back to life. The rooms where cold and smelled like hospitals do, totally vast and un-personal. The only positive thing was the cat that lived there, it was the joy of their day if the cat decided to sleep in their bed for a while. The food was dry and probably industrial. I couldn't see any happiness in the people living there, they had all just given up. I'm not surprised! A stroke is a very cruel enemy to encounter, everything you are can be taken away in seconds and getting help right away is essential for the recovery. Granny lost her will to live there, I think she wished she had died when the stroke hit her in her home and that she wouldn't have had to suffer all those months at that home. But Mum and I fought like idiots to keep her with us, trying to reach in and grab hold of who she was before her stroke, hoping she was still in there. And on her good days, I think we were close to succeeding, I think we almost reached her and made her remember life before her illness. If you have seen Lord of the Rings-The Two Towers, you know the scene with King Thèoden in Edoras when he is overtaken by the evil spirit of Saruman. There is like a film around him, a mist of some sort and on the other side is the real person, the one they were before--it was exactly like that with Granny. But somedays that film seemed to break up and the Granny we used to know shone through. I'm not sure if this is typical for all stroke patients, but it is the experience I've got and it makes me believe that with the right kind of treatment and stimulation, more people can be saved back to a better life, maybe even a really good life.
I strongly believe that we over-medicate our old and sick today, thinking that a handful of pills will work miracles and nothing else needs to be done with them once they've taken their meds, nothing can be done. My medical expertise is close to none, but I am willing to take in what I see with my eyes and use the poor experiences I have and do something good, something that I believe in.
I don't believe in heavy doses of strong medicines, I believe in humanity, in touch, in empathy, in laughter and I do believe in the healing powers of animals.
Laugh all you want, this is what I believe in. As I've said: I don't know much about medicine and treatments, but I know that animals have a positive effect on most of us. In the States they are used much more frequently than here in Sweden, as we often fail to use them due to issues concerning allergies and such. Some retirement-homes do use dogs and cats though, with great results, as well as in the treatment of children with different disorders and social problems. More about this here in this article from The New York Times.
I also believe that industrially made food is not as good for us as the food we make ourselves, even better if we perhaps can grow some of the vegetables, maybe a few chickens to provide eggs everyday, baking bread instead of buying it (cheaper as well!) and also: let the elderly suggest what they want to eat, can they participate? LET THEM! Reducing them to heaps of meat just sitting in wheel-chairs or whatever makes me FURIOUS! And I see it ALL the time, it breaks my heart. Some may be too weak or too sick to do things, but not all of them. I understand that the work and life of the staff is not and easy one, but this must first and foremost be about the people we care for. It's not their fault that the hours are long and the pay is bad, they've already paid their dues to this country-now it's our turn to take care of them! A little change can make a big difference.
I also noticed that not all of the people living at the same home as Granny, got as frequent visits... This pains me much and though I understand that it might be hard to find the time between a full-time job, kids, husbands and wives, grocery-shopping and what-not--these are the people who brought us into this world! We owe it to them to take time, nothing should matter more in fact. Bring the kids, bring the whole family around. If the weather is good-take a walk outside so the others don't get jealous... =) I can't imagine anything worse than being really sick and maybe close to dying and then be left all alone. Horrible and cruel. No one should suffer or die alone. The security and warmth of a hand on the shoulder or arm goes a long way. Touch can make wonders, if only on the inside.
So--this is the start of my dream. My Glory Days in reverse I guess. A dream and a hope that our last days may be among the better of our lives, when you can rejoice and reminisce about the good old days, but also look forward to tomorrow.
At Glory Days people will live, not be contained until death comes and relieves them.
It started out as a small, quivering thought in the back of my head two years ago. But I thought it impossible, how could I ever achieve all that? Today I only ask myself one question: how could I ever live with myself if I didn't even try?
Emotionally drained right now, I hope to get back to you as soon as possible on this.
We've had a small movie-marathon this past weekend and though we didn't see all the movies we rented, I'm still pleased with the results. Anders got to see some of my favorite Disney/Pixar movies, I'm a HUGE fan of Disney!
These are the movies we've seen since last Thursday:
Anders' favorite turned out to be... Bolt! Well, he is extremely cute! Since I just love Miley Cyrus' voice, I was hooked the first time I saw it. It is one of my favorite Disney-movies, but I also LOVE Ratatouille: the unbelievable underdog, the friendship, the food, the happy ending! I think that's what I love the most about Disney--you always know there'll be a happy ending. I grew up watching their movies and they've stayed with me, some might think that's childish, but I do love them and yes--I still cry. I cry when Scar has killed Moufasa and little Simba walks up to his father's still body, every time I see The Lionking. I can live with that. I hope that my children will love Disney/Pixar as much as I do and I would like to collect all of their movies and see them all. Quite the project!
As I told you yesterday, we went bowling at Heron City with Dad and it turned out to be my lucky night! We played 3 rounds and I won all 3!!! The second round I got 150 points and the third I got 151 points, I'm VERY happy with that!!! I don't think I've ever scored as much... I love the feeling I get when I hit a strike, the joy of seeing all the pins go down is great! I remember when we used to bring Granny to play with us--half the times she threw her ball backwards and all the rest of us had to jump not to get hit! =) We talked a lot about how important it is for me to win and Dad said I've always been like that and he said I never was much of a gracious winner... Oups... =) I just love the feeling of a good win, in whatever, I can find joy in the mere memory of it for days after... Weird!
Today is also a day of great grief for me and Dad--our beloved team Djurgården Hockey has been demoted to playing in Allsvenskan instead of Elitserien. It serves us right, we've played like crap this past season, but it still hurts... Hopefully we'll be back in top next year!
